Spongecakes.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sometimes I have this weird thought. My brother should not have existed.
Having a younger brother at home makes me irritated. He showed me the pathetic existence of men and makes me lose faith in them.

I always wondered why I refused to get into a relationship and the reason may be my brother. With his actions and thoughts, I have came to this conclusion that men cannot be relied on.
I know I am just making a general comment. I know for a fact that not all guys are like that although I do know one fact- guys have their bodily needs. Which is more than enough to disgust me. Maybe I am just being biased but I am trying hard to accept them the way they are. I try to overlook all the flaws just like how women have their own irritating attitudes. Some women can really be a pain in the ass.

I figured the only way to salvage my own crazy psychological thoughts is to compensate and balance the pros and cons of men and women. I will try my hardest to be unbiased in my judgment.

I hope one day someone will come along and convince me, but I know I have to first allow myself to be convinced.
And I have to reinstate my stand- although my brother is a pathetic weak-willed type of guy, he is not evil or anything terrible. He just happens to be really lacking in EQ and have a prehistoric vocabulary which makes his every comment shallow and lacking in depth. Sometimes he acts like a pathological lier but that is still currently unproven, yet.

SL being emotional, psychological..yes, she is reading a Murakami book again.
And yes, writing down what you think helps you better understand yourself and your problems. Thank you Mr. Murakami.

Off to another topic:
Recently, I have realised that competing with others is a painful process. By competing with others, you tend to attract competition too. The best solution is to not care about what others are doing or how well/poor they fared. Set your own targets and achieve them, by reaching your own targets you are walking on steps you have created yourself. Everyone out there is competing by stepping over others- the dog eat dog world. They are trying so ridiculously hard to climb higher by stepping on other's failures. This is the sick but inevitable truth, like how you would be subconsciously happy when you know that you have scored higher than others, cause you know that you are higher up and you have succeeded in 'steeping' over them. Or how people around you would say you have cheated or giving you snide comments when you scored higher, they are actually trying to pull you down in an attempt to step over your head.

Anyway, if you are perceived to be dumb, success will not convince others. Those who have regarded you as inferior will not be impressed by what you have achieved. They will not fully acknowledge your hard work and will instead convince themselves that it was due to something hard to be explained, something like luck.
It is human nature to disregard others' success, because we are implanted with jealousy. But not trying to hide your jealousy is just totally intolerable. By disregarding others' success straight in their face is just brainless nutter which you have subconsciously acted out. A case of harboring too much of such thoughts makes every action and words said come naturally, without even yourself noticing it.
There is actually a sick loophole, or a human nature called pity. When you are definitely worse off, like being handicapped or growing up in a bad environment and you happen to be really successful, EVERYONE will be impressed no matter how mentally wired they are. So the bottom line is, if you want to be successful, be soooo successful that it glares their eyes. Or be so pathetic that people will pity you and hope for your success.

My hands are cold from typing too fast, a signal to stop blogging.

Oh and if you are reading this brother, please do not feel depressed after reading. Any comments can be inquired from me directly. (I doubt he will even read my blog but just in case.)

9:25 PM

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Melancholy.

I feel strangely depressed. My left eye is hurting, I am hungry.
I need music to distract myself away from my own thoughts.

Why am I so hesitant?
Why does it feel so hard to continue?

What was that strange feeling I felt just now? My body was heating up and my chest feels tight. I don't understand my own emotions.
Why did I feel like crying?
For what did I cry for??
Perplexing shit. I feel like smashing something.

I gave my best to everyone around me but nobody gave their best to me.
How come nobody can assure me like how I assure them. I find loyalty but not trust.
Maybe I am just afraid that nobody cares about me. So I act like a dog, trying to make everyone happy by wagging my tail.

But in the end, everyone I care about cares for someone else.

2:19 AM

Monday, December 07, 2009

Oh man, last 2weeks was so hectic.
My whole mind was only focused on JLPT4 and because of that, I forgot lots of other things. My sister took a whole week off from work so that she too can focus on her JLPT1. It's great having my sister at home the whole time! But we ended up being distracted by tv shows together..which led to us sleeping late into the night. Lack of sleep destroys me, I should REALLY sleep early.

30Nov - Monday
Went for economics lecture and studied for JLPT. Forgot to wish xueli happy birthday!

1Dec - Tuesday
Intended to take the shutter bus with jingpei in the morning but I was too tired. So I slept in for a few hours and took the train instead.
Went for accounting lecture. Forgot about Kwan's birthday until zhiyi asked me about it. I didn't even realise it was already December. Came straight home and studied for JLPT4.
Didn't attend training.

2Dec - Wednesday
Went for banking lecture and studied for JLPT4.

3Dec - Thursday
Woke up damm late (2pm) and quickly practiced playing violin. Went for violin lesson and got my left arm really tired. Learned 2 songs! I have this strange habit of using my middle finger to press the D note on the Astring. I realised that my middle finger is very flexible ahha! Ate at Clementi with my parents and came straight home to study for JLPT4.

4Dec - Friday
Went for maths lecture and studied for JLPT4.

5Dec - Saturday
The stress kicks in for both me and my sister. Slept at 11pm and woke up at 6am. Studied for about 2 hours and went back to sleep. Continued my studies in the afternoon all till the night. Slept at 3am. :(

6Dec - Sunday
JLPT4 exam! Location : SMU School of Economics. My exam started at 10am and I was posted to Seminar room 2-7. Gosh, I freaked out during the first paper. Just can't seem to read the sentences and there are 2 nine year olds who sat beside me for the exam too. They gave me extra stress. I shall not comment too much about my exam..don't want to think too much.
After my exam I waited in the school for my father to fetch me. But since my sister was going to take her test in the afternoon at SMU school of business, my dad asked me to walk over and wait there.
In the end, I lost my way and arrived at the national library. Tried to find Murakami's books but there were NONE at all. Borrowed one dilbert comic book, went out of the library and watched some 3v3 basketball matches. While waiting, my mind was spinning with many weird topics and ideas. One main thought occurred while watching the players- practice and you will get better. No matter what you are doing, practice and you will be better.

Fell asleep in the car and reached home at about 4pm.
Used the Internet for a while and met up with tseyun, xueli and huiling. Walked around white sands in search for huiting's present. In the end, we went to tmall and bought this SK angel pendant for her. Father drove us to Aloha Changi chalet M and we stayed there till 10 plus. Enjoyed myself a lot, a great stress reliever from that morning's paper.

7 Dec - Monday
ARGH. I am so freaking tired. I just want to focus on my studies and violin right now. I hope my table tennis team mates will forgive my lack of will to train.

7:42 PM

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Just had a sudden urge to blog.
Look! It's 3AM plus in the morning and I am still awake.

Still waiting for my workaholic sister to come home, I wonder why she is still coming home so late nowadays when her department has already shifted to India.
I wonder WHY I am waiting for her, guess I am just giving myself a reason not to sleep.

Using my brother's laptop now. He is behind me dead asleep. I hate it when he just goes to sleep and conveniently left his laptop on. How can one be SO tired as to not off the computer??? I have to come over to his room and off it for him. This is sooo irritating.
He has a even more irritating trait. He can sleep with his toothbrush in his FREAKING MOUTH, with TOOTHPASTE. Amazing huh.
Once that happened and my father was shocked cause he thought my brother was foaming.
Oh, my brother is suddenly tossing around and uttering weird noises. Guess he sensed someone badmouthing him.
The subconscious mind is indeed powerful.

Violin is hard. I still have a hard time holding the bow and clenching the violin with my chin. Maybe my mother is right, I have no musical talent at all. :(
Omg, I just realised that the bone on my left chin hurts when pressed. Ouch!!
I try very hard to absorb whatever I can every lesson so that I can impart the knowledge to my more musically talented sister. I hope to make full use of the $550 paid.

I still want to learn piano and guitar. Drums are interesting too, but I think it will take me a long long long time to actually be at ease with those instruments. I want the feeling to come naturally and not memorised.

Thinking about naturally, my JLPT4 exam is coming soon. First Sunday of December, 6 dec 09.
I have been avoiding it for months, and now there is less then a month for me to study. I really hope I don't fail cause level 4 is really not that hard. Next year, I will be continuing my studies with Ikoma. Should I take full time or part time? Actually I have time to go full time, cause my lessons usually ends at 11.30am. But I think it would be pretty hard to balance my school work..with me now not even managing 35 study hours a week. I have been slacking real hard this week. I just feel SO lethargic.
This is so frustrating!!!! ARGHG!! I need to WAKE UP seriously.

I need to spend 11 hours of study for both sat and sun. This is so impossible. SHIT.
And just thinking about banking makes me depressed. I am so lagging behind. There are so many things to memorise and everything just seem so dead to me. It sort of makes me regret taking banking and finance. The economic world is so dead. There is not a spark of life in it, everything is just made up, the layers of management will kill me. I rather study history and I rather do GP essays. I feel like teaching GP...HAHA. Ok, no joke. I love GP!! And I strongly believe if someone like me can score for GP, then anyone else can too. It is just a matter of flow and structure. RJC model essays are crap, cause they are too good. They are so good they make you depressed, which is no good and thus they are crap.
OMG it's 4am!!

Where is my sister???!!!
Just checked my phone.
Sister: "I tink v sleep. Haha. I tryin to clear breaks."
Gosh. Clearing breaks in the middle of the night. WORKAHOLIC!!
V....U are the one that needs sleep!

Btw, I didn't get to see the Leonid meteor shower. I went to the Pasir ris beach at 3am with my sister and dad. My dad was the unwilling party, he said it was unsafe and accompanied us. My reliable brother was supposed to come with us but he slept like a pig.
I got sucked big time by mosquitoes and we went home after an hour of walking around. Wanted to stay till 5am but I think my father needed his sleep.
Heard from my friends the next day that the sighting was most frequent at about 4am plus and felt so cheated. Nvm, I will get to see it next year. Since the meteor showers comes yearly.

Sooo sleepy. Night.
Alarm clock at TEN in the morning. I better wake up on time.

3:17 AM

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Traveling without music is a torture.
Especially taking 154 from my school all the way to Eunos.
I miss my music! :(
I think I shall go get another MP3 end of this month from the IT fair.

Actually, I don't like IT fairs cause it is VERY crowded. And you know how tall I am right, or rather how short I am..so it's damm irritating when other people keep elbowing your face/chest.

My HP is crazy too, always low in battery.
Oh man, I just received a message. Notification that our school is facing SP, NYP and NUS in next Jan's table tennis competition. I can't decide if I want to join the team or not.
Table tennis to me is like a complicated relationship. I love table tennis, cause it was the only thing people recognized me for and the only thing that I was actually good in. But after being traumatized by that match last year, I am unable to believe in myself again. I don't ever want to have that feeling again, its like your body is not yours and every action I execute is totally wrong. My arms are in an awkward position and I felt so frustrated at myself. I was actually trembling with fear every second and this never happened before.
Oh the other hand, I miss being on court..all the excitement, fear and the victory.....

TPJC really wrecked my life. Once again, I shall say it. I HATE TPJC'S SPORTS CULTURE.
I don't actually hate that school, it just happened to be the place where all my bad memories and experiences gather. I can't seem to smile when I see that school.

I have been playing table tennis since I was in P2..a long enough relationship. I think it's time for me to let it go. Make a clean cut once and for all.

It kinda hurts, cause I still have my pride as a player.
But it is time to let that pride go.

5:07 PM

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Yeah finally, 2 weeks without internet is making me primitive.
Not that I mind, but it IS really kinda weird have internet again all of a sudden.

Many things happened during the course of my absence.
Wow, I was just wondering why blog looks different..it was just code error and it just reloaded back to the original screen.

Anyway, I join a club! :)
I have never thought that I would be doing...violin..it just happened.
I hope it goes well..first lesson is tml.
Hope I don't get lost.

Just downloaded the new MSN. Well, it's not exactly new just that it is NEW to me. I always hated the idea of upgrades..for fear of having all my precious contacts disappearing and new applications appearing.

Went NTU to collect my rejected portfolio.
I want to burn it, not that I am so embarrassed of my own artwork..but it just feels like its the only way. Like if I burn it, my life can continue from that full stop.
Met kwan and we ate, she packed and we collected the portfolio. Went simei after that and I saw ALL THE CUTE PUPPIES. I especially adore that toy poodle pup...oh mah!! SOOO freaking CUTE. Every time I return home from sch, I always have the urge to drop at simei just so I can look at the animals. Looking at them always make me happy.. :)
I sooo want to have a dog. A cat will be good too.

I am not going overseas this year! All because my brother finds that THAILAND is boring. ARGH.
But my parents needed their honeymoon too I guess and this will be the first time without parents for me. Kinda weird huh, being already 20 and all...well my mom still thinks I am 12...I think. It will be a new experience, I will so totally love the daily plans of good food and this will be one of the rare times where I get to spend Christmas in Singapore. AND I will finally be able to collect my Christmas drops from neopets and rs.

Strangely, I am not feeling all happy but I am not feeling sad too. I am not feeling happy but I am not sad. Is there even a difference??

Oh man, why am I so hungry now?!

9:00 PM

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

I had a great bday celebration! ahaha
I get to do things which I always wanted to do with my beloved friends.

Anyway, I finally acquired all 9 pieces of lab map which cost me a total of 472k.
Previously, I had a cute blue lupe and it became a purple poogle after I played with a rare toy. I should have taken a picture of my poggle with its very nice clothes I gave him. (sort of developed feeling for it) And I can't believe I only have this half photo of him. :(

Anyway, I went to the lab and gave it a zap . I guess the rays were too strong.

More zaps to come! I wonder how much it can change!

GUITAR GUITAR! I can't stop thinking about that shop and all those guitars!
I would like to play a electric guitar one day.

Yesterday I met with my sis in Bugis and ate at Ebiboshi. I ate mini chicken curry rice while my sis ate some spicy ramen. Oh man, the ramen tasted so GOOD! The best I ate so far. After that we ate desert and our bill came to $30 on the dot.
After that we went arcade, sat directly opposite this guy playing King of Fighters. Watched all the nostalgic characters fighting and Mai looks good with short hair! lol
Watched for about 10mins when I spotted a tap card on the machine. It was right in front of us and we didn't notice it, guess you can't really see black on black. Anyway, there was $3 dollars inside. We took the card and quickly left the crime scene.

Went national library and borrowed SIX books. AHHA 5 were comics- Dilbert and Get Fuzzy.
I love reading.

I should be studying right now. Bye~

10:00 PM