I feel pathetic but also confident, sad but also happy, tired but also awake, lazy but motivated.

What is becoming of me?

My sister say that I am reaching equilibrium.

What does that mean?

Inner demons are escaping. 

Am I to embrace it or continue to shut them out.

It should lead me to a happier life, if I should unleash them out.

The hold on them is weaker when I get older.

Last year I really pushed myself. I was trying to be a better version of myself. There was hardly any spare time for myself, it was just lessons after lessons. Training after trainings.

And I was NOT happy at all. It was not satisfying and it was not like, oh all the hard work was worth it. It's not. There was no feeling of victory, it just was disappointment after disappointment. And I was starting to feel like I was not myself anymore. It was just depressing.

BUT this year, it will be different. 

I gave myself no goals to chase this year. There is no need to be a better version of myself. To think that I wanted to be the best version, it just means that I think that there was something unsatisfactory in the current self. There is nothing wrong with me being who I am now so there is no reason to become a "better" version. There is and will never be a better version. I am who I am, now.

Well, that is not to say that I just don't care about anything and let myself go. Obviously not. It just means that I prioritize myself on being happy instead of forcing myself to do things that I never had any interest nor enjoy. This year will be a year of following my heart. If I don't feel like going or doing something - I will not.

Yes and this is evidently working. Because ever since the new year hits, I have been feeling nothing but happiness. I have so much free time to myself these days just spending on whatever I feel like doing. Been watching a number of dramas and also starting to game. I remember being very excited when I was young when I was playing games, where did the excitement go to? I want to find the lost excitement. All the things that I enjoy, I am going to do it. Life it really short. Please enjoy it.

Another thought was in my mind. That intelligence is an illness. We are unhappy because we have become intelligent. So the secret to happiness, is being stupid. Remove your intelligence and you will become happy. When you are intelligent, you naturally have a higher pride. And with a higher pride, the rest of the sins follow. Well, pride is the father of all sins.

Remove your intelligence. Happiness will come.

To think that it would come to this. That I am starting to hate myself.

I feel so weak recently. Both body and mind. 

There is this strange feeling of emptiness creeping in again.

I don't want to die but what am I living for.

The world is starting to make less and less sense.

Is this part of the aging process? Mid life crisis?

I feel like there is lesser and lesser things that I can do as I am getting older.

I am moving slower, I am thinking slower. I am starting to see and feel these things.

Life was wonderful and then, what comes after?

Happy belated birthday to me. I wanted to do this post on my actual birthday itself but I was rather busy that day so I did not have the time to blog.

I am here to record what happened so that I do not forget the feelings of gratitude. I tend to forget these feelings rather fast which makes me worried sometimes. Like I am turning into a cold blooded human.

My colleagues were really nice and they bought me surprise cake during work. I kind of suspected that they are doing it because it was quite obvious in some sense. But I had to act like I was surprised nevertheless for fear for spoiling their efforts. (Sui, Riri, Ho) 

I gave myself a nice body massage as a birthday gift. Well why not right, since I do love massages. It really helps me to relax my body and mind. And when I got home after massage, my sister and friends ordered some Uber eats for me. It was so sweet of them plan and think of that. (HL, Clarice, Sis, Stella)

The next day I was feeling emotional due to my hormonal change (period), so I was feeling very unmotivated at work and just feeling dejected in general. Then one of my colleague asked if I wanted Banh Mi and I said I am not that hungry so it is ok. And she said she will make it for me and do a special delivery to me later. I was thinking, oh no you don't have to purposely do that! So I said I will go to her house to eat instead. It was so sweet of her to want to prepare the bread for me. We went to supermarket and got the ingredients and she made 2 very delicious Banh Mi for me, plus fried some dumplings for me to eat (for fear that I will not get full). Thank you very much Linh! 

It is a strange feeling that people actually care about me. I feel like I am not someone that is worth this much effort. Well, not that I am a bad person but it is just that I am not such a sweet one. I do not really care for a person that deeply and I am pretty selfish so my thoughts are centered around myself mostly. I feel strongly at the moment, but it also passes when I leave. So I do care for a person deeply when I am with them but I also do not care at all when they are not around. My friends used to say that I will make a great psychologist because I can give my care without being affected by their circumstances. 

Well in any case, I take a mental note of their kindness and I ensure that I return them that when the opportunity arises. 

Year 2024 is nearly over and I am re-evaluating my goals for 2025 now. Stopped going for weekdays badminton lessons as a means of giving myself rest in terms of body and mind. There were a number of goals that I did not accomplish this year. A lot of effort but not much results would be how I summarized my year in 2024. I want to put only a few goals for myself next year and will work towards achieving them. Mainly, JLPT N1 and losing weight. I know 2025 will be a year that I will focus on revitalization - Project 15 I call it. Which is basically to try to revert my body and mind to when I was at 15 years old again. Not in the means of being childish, but more of being sharp again in mind and flexible again in body.

Fight Fight Fight Fight! 

2 May (Thursday): Fly to Korea

Ended work and took the plane at 8pm Fukuoka Airport. Arrived in Seoul Incheon Airport 930pm. There were so many people in the queue for clearance and it took me about an hour of wait before I could get out. The customs uncle looked at my passport photo and laughed. I think I look different in person vs my passport picture. Luckily, I booked my night at the airport capsule hotel as I don’t have to figure out how to travel out (plus it was late already). The capsule hotel room was small but sufficient. The lights in the room were abundant and it’s those kinds of lights that makes you feel insecure when you look into the mirror because it reflects all your pores and bad skin. I took a bath, fixed the Korean SIM card into my phone, and went to bed.

3 May (Friday): KR Day 1

Met up with Clarice and YQ at the airport and we took bus 6011 to Sungshin Women’s University Station where our mom (Germs) was there waiting for us. She has already helped to check in early to our hotel (DH Naissance Hotel) so we alighted and went to hotel to leave our luggage. Went for lunch at some noodle store and their pickled dishes and Gimbap were so delicious. Rested a while in the hotel and headed to Seongsu for our color analysis session. Ate Bingsu and Yakgwa (traditional Korean snack) while waiting for our color appointment time. It tasted not bad. Service from the café was very good, the owner was very nice and attentive. New age Korean? My impression of Korean was that they are inattentive and self-absorbed. Anyway, it was time for our color session, and we headed to the studio. Had our color tested and wow, each of us belongs to a different season so we have all 4 seasons. I am Winter, Clarice is Autumn, YQ is Spring and Germs is Summer. After that we went for dinner at Somunnan Gamjatang and had their famous Gamjatang (pork bone stew). I felt that it was ok, the potatoes were tastier than the pork ribs.

4 May (Saturday): KR Day 2

Went to Naedaemun to shop, ate street food for lunch. We ate the potato corn dog, some steamed buns, fried gyoza and finally the famous Hoetteok that germs spent about 45mins to queuing. Overall, it was quite ok, there was nothing that I ate there that left a deep impression. After that we went to Myeong Dong to do some shopping. Spent some time walking around the place, ate some street snacks like toasted marshmallow ice cream. Germs finally managed to buy a pair of shoes to relieve her of her feet pain at ABC Mart. Wanted to eat some Michelin star restaurant, but it was already full for the day, so we decided to head back to hotel. For dinner we ate some octopus stir fry plate from the store just right opposite our hotel. It was pretty good. We wanted to eat that at lunch on the first day but didn’t have the chance to. The rice mixture was very good, it was the same feeling at the Gimbap that I ate on the first day. Ah I really miss that store, the Gimbab and pickled stuff were superb.

5 May (Sunday): KR Day 3

It was raining so we cancelled going to Nami Island. Went over to Doota Mall for some indoor shopping. Lunch was disappointing. As it was raining hard, we decided to just settle at the food court inside the mall. The food was very mediocre, it does not register any memory in me at all. It was wasted calories. We spent the rest of the day hopping around the shopping malls nearby and decided to order food back to the hotel for dinner. We ordered some Tteokbokki and some other sides that goes with it. It was pretty good and spicy. Ended the day chilling in the hotel and chatting. It was nice re-connecting with friends.

6 May (Monday): KR Day 4

It was drizzling a little and we went to Mangwon market. I feel that this place is very suitable for parents. It’s the kind of market that is a little like Ueno. With fresh produce, fruits and seafoods etc. We went to have coffee to recharge before we start the day. We walked around some stationary stores and around the area. Ate noodles (Jajangmyeon for me) for lunch and some chicken bites. Noodles was not bad, but it feels like comfort food for the locals more to fill up the stomach rather than going for outstanding taste. I can tell the girls are meat eaters rather than carbs because always for meat related dishes, they somehow can eat more than I expected them to. Started walking around and my stomach suddenly hurts badly so we had to rush to another coffee place to order some drinks so that I can use their toilet. It’s unpleasant to have stomach problems during a trip. Totally spoils the mood. My stomach is reacting due to the spicy Tteokbokki from dinner yesterday and probably also due to the coffee intake in the morning. After Mangwon we headed over to Hongdae to do some shopping. Spent about 45mins standing outside a building while waiting for Running Man casts to come out. Ate early dinner of some random Korean BBQ store as I have to faster head back for my bus 6011 at 7.30pm back to Incheon airport. The girls were very nice to send me to the bus stop and I hopped on to the bus safely. Spent the night at Incheon airport capsule hotel and took the early flight back to Fukuoka.

7 May (Tuesday): FUK Day 1

I arrived back in Fukuoka in the morning and went back to clear house chores and work stuff. The 3 of them arrived safely to my house in the afternoon and I brought them to eat the nice Udon plus walked around Ohori Park and Maizuru Park. It seems they are not really made for walking in the nature and made more for walking in shopping malls. At night, I bought them to Canal city for Okomomiyaki dinner (Germs favorite) and shopped around the area. Also brought them around my house supermarket area for them to do some grocery shopping. I noticed that this gang is rather healthy in the sense that not many of them are interested in snacks/food. I think this is the shopping gang (excluding Clarice I think).

8 May (Wednesday): FUK Day 2

Went around Hakata area to shop - AMU, OIOI, bus stop terminal. Ate brunch at bus stop terminal Okonomiyaki store. Shopped various places but we spent most of our time at the mega Daiso which resulted in us heading over to Tenjin only in the late afternoon. YQ bought YSL wallet and Germs bought Dior wallet. Ate Ichiran for dinner and we headed back to my house to rest for the day. Bought some alcohol and stuff to eat to end the night.

Conclusion

Overall, the whole trip was short and sweet. I was rather surprised that there was not a slightest conflict even with this being the first overseas trip for the 4 of us. Everyone was very flexible and adjusted to whichever fits our mood the best. After the trip I somehow got a different aura, I am starting to focus better and feels motivated to finish what I wanted to achieve for this year. I have no idea why there was this shift of change in me, but I will take this energy to work hard towards my goals for this year.

Happiness can be very simple if you deem it to be. :)

Today I had dinner with badminton people. Vietnam guy Khanh is going back to his country so a small group of people had dinner with him before his flight tomorrow.

I wanted to post about this as a memory of the emotions I am feeling now. There was a pair of siblings there which were very young, one 16 and another 13. And as much as how partially adult they look like, their body language and speech represented that of a young being. Both are in their prime and looking very fresh and cute. I am not jealous of them but rather, they reminded me of my limited time on Earth and the fact that I am a lot older now. Which means there are lesser things that I can do in my lifetime comparing to them. 

Youth is such a fleeting thing. We never appreciate the time we are in now. Even if we do appreciate every minute of our youth, it still passes and it still hurts when you look back. Because it's time that is lost and can never be recovered. No matter how positive we go into life, there is always a frame that we want to go back in time to. I don't think its being youthful that I wanted, it's time. If there is a way to live forever, wouldn't that be nice? I saw a video just now that says that any intelligent person will choose death. Well, if that is the case, I rather be stupid.

What is this feeling I am feeling now? It's a mixture of pain and happiness. I'm very glad of who I am now but yet I don't feel satisfied. I am not totally at ease. Is it because I am lacking in something? What am I lacking?

I remember when I was younger and I thought that it would be nice to be a teacher, because I do like to teach. But as I imagined how it would be like year after year of facing the same young kids, how tough it would be as the years go down because of the big gap in age differences. Not how tough it would be to educate them, more of how tough it would be on me to actually 'see' how much time has passed and how little time I had left. Imagine this, year after year of facing 13, 16 year olds. Every year the new batch of students will be 16 and you will just be older and older. I can't stand even imagining it. 

I gave myself so many goals this year but I feel so lost.

Paused blogging for some time because I started journaling this year. It will not be the thing to replace blogging but it is one of the things that may help in achieving my goals in 2024.

I am starting to join many clubs. Tennis, badminton and table tennis. Feeling very motivated this year to stretch myself thin.

Work is going on well too. I am starting to see a clearer picture of the workflow and starting to do more useful work. 

Attended Taylor Swift concert on 7th Feb. It is her first day of her tour in Tokyo. Xiumin and I arrived at Tokyo Dome 5pm and it was so packed with people. Another group told us that we need to hurry as the security checks will take time so we zoomed straight in and it was such a frantic rush in (almost comical even) but we managed to be seated at 5:30pm. You can imagine how faster we soniced ourselves in.

Seats were good. Pretty close to the stage and the concert was long (3 hours or so). I can tell she puts in a lot of effort in the concert. Totally worth the JPY 24,000 that I paid for the tickets.

On a side note, the dinner was very nice. We chanced upon a Taiwanese noodle store and it was very good ahhaa.

Family is incoming 15 Feb! I can't wait for them to arrive. Feeling very happy in this month! Looking very forward!!!