To think that it would come to this. That I am starting to hate myself.

I feel so weak recently. Both body and mind. 

There is this strange feeling of emptiness creeping in again.

I don't want to die but what am I living for.

The world is starting to make less and less sense.

Is this part of the aging process? Mid life crisis?

I feel like there is lesser and lesser things that I can do as I am getting older.

I am moving slower, I am thinking slower. I am starting to see and feel these things.

Life was wonderful and then, what comes after?

Happy belated birthday to me. I wanted to do this post on my actual birthday itself but I was rather busy that day so I did not have the time to blog.

I am here to record what happened so that I do not forget the feelings of gratitude. I tend to forget these feelings rather fast which makes me worried sometimes. Like I am turning into a cold blooded human.

My colleagues were really nice and they bought me surprise cake during work. I kind of suspected that they are doing it because it was quite obvious in some sense. But I had to act like I was surprised nevertheless for fear for spoiling their efforts. (Sui, Riri, Ho) 

I gave myself a nice body massage as a birthday gift. Well why not right, since I do love massages. It really helps me to relax my body and mind. And when I got home after massage, my sister and friends ordered some Uber eats for me. It was so sweet of them plan and think of that. (HL, Clarice, Sis, Stella)

The next day I was feeling emotional due to my hormonal change (period), so I was feeling very unmotivated at work and just feeling dejected in general. Then one of my colleague asked if I wanted Banh Mi and I said I am not that hungry so it is ok. And she said she will make it for me and do a special delivery to me later. I was thinking, oh no you don't have to purposely do that! So I said I will go to her house to eat instead. It was so sweet of her to want to prepare the bread for me. We went to supermarket and got the ingredients and she made 2 very delicious Banh Mi for me, plus fried some dumplings for me to eat (for fear that I will not get full). Thank you very much Linh! 

It is a strange feeling that people actually care about me. I feel like I am not someone that is worth this much effort. Well, not that I am a bad person but it is just that I am not such a sweet one. I do not really care for a person that deeply and I am pretty selfish so my thoughts are centered around myself mostly. I feel strongly at the moment, but it also passes when I leave. So I do care for a person deeply when I am with them but I also do not care at all when they are not around. My friends used to say that I will make a great psychologist because I can give my care without being affected by their circumstances. 

Well in any case, I take a mental note of their kindness and I ensure that I return them that when the opportunity arises. 

Year 2024 is nearly over and I am re-evaluating my goals for 2025 now. Stopped going for weekdays badminton lessons as a means of giving myself rest in terms of body and mind. There were a number of goals that I did not accomplish this year. A lot of effort but not much results would be how I summarized my year in 2024. I want to put only a few goals for myself next year and will work towards achieving them. Mainly, JLPT N1 and losing weight. I know 2025 will be a year that I will focus on revitalization - Project 15 I call it. Which is basically to try to revert my body and mind to when I was at 15 years old again. Not in the means of being childish, but more of being sharp again in mind and flexible again in body.

Fight Fight Fight Fight! 

2 May (Thursday): Fly to Korea

Ended work and took the plane at 8pm Fukuoka Airport. Arrived in Seoul Incheon Airport 930pm. There were so many people in the queue for clearance and it took me about an hour of wait before I could get out. The customs uncle looked at my passport photo and laughed. I think I look different in person vs my passport picture. Luckily, I booked my night at the airport capsule hotel as I don’t have to figure out how to travel out (plus it was late already). The capsule hotel room was small but sufficient. The lights in the room were abundant and it’s those kinds of lights that makes you feel insecure when you look into the mirror because it reflects all your pores and bad skin. I took a bath, fixed the Korean SIM card into my phone, and went to bed.

3 May (Friday): KR Day 1

Met up with Clarice and YQ at the airport and we took bus 6011 to Sungshin Women’s University Station where our mom (Germs) was there waiting for us. She has already helped to check in early to our hotel (DH Naissance Hotel) so we alighted and went to hotel to leave our luggage. Went for lunch at some noodle store and their pickled dishes and Gimbap were so delicious. Rested a while in the hotel and headed to Seongsu for our color analysis session. Ate Bingsu and Yakgwa (traditional Korean snack) while waiting for our color appointment time. It tasted not bad. Service from the café was very good, the owner was very nice and attentive. New age Korean? My impression of Korean was that they are inattentive and self-absorbed. Anyway, it was time for our color session, and we headed to the studio. Had our color tested and wow, each of us belongs to a different season so we have all 4 seasons. I am Winter, Clarice is Autumn, YQ is Spring and Germs is Summer. After that we went for dinner at Somunnan Gamjatang and had their famous Gamjatang (pork bone stew). I felt that it was ok, the potatoes were tastier than the pork ribs.

4 May (Saturday): KR Day 2

Went to Naedaemun to shop, ate street food for lunch. We ate the potato corn dog, some steamed buns, fried gyoza and finally the famous Hoetteok that germs spent about 45mins to queuing. Overall, it was quite ok, there was nothing that I ate there that left a deep impression. After that we went to Myeong Dong to do some shopping. Spent some time walking around the place, ate some street snacks like toasted marshmallow ice cream. Germs finally managed to buy a pair of shoes to relieve her of her feet pain at ABC Mart. Wanted to eat some Michelin star restaurant, but it was already full for the day, so we decided to head back to hotel. For dinner we ate some octopus stir fry plate from the store just right opposite our hotel. It was pretty good. We wanted to eat that at lunch on the first day but didn’t have the chance to. The rice mixture was very good, it was the same feeling at the Gimbap that I ate on the first day. Ah I really miss that store, the Gimbab and pickled stuff were superb.

5 May (Sunday): KR Day 3

It was raining so we cancelled going to Nami Island. Went over to Doota Mall for some indoor shopping. Lunch was disappointing. As it was raining hard, we decided to just settle at the food court inside the mall. The food was very mediocre, it does not register any memory in me at all. It was wasted calories. We spent the rest of the day hopping around the shopping malls nearby and decided to order food back to the hotel for dinner. We ordered some Tteokbokki and some other sides that goes with it. It was pretty good and spicy. Ended the day chilling in the hotel and chatting. It was nice re-connecting with friends.

6 May (Monday): KR Day 4

It was drizzling a little and we went to Mangwon market. I feel that this place is very suitable for parents. It’s the kind of market that is a little like Ueno. With fresh produce, fruits and seafoods etc. We went to have coffee to recharge before we start the day. We walked around some stationary stores and around the area. Ate noodles (Jajangmyeon for me) for lunch and some chicken bites. Noodles was not bad, but it feels like comfort food for the locals more to fill up the stomach rather than going for outstanding taste. I can tell the girls are meat eaters rather than carbs because always for meat related dishes, they somehow can eat more than I expected them to. Started walking around and my stomach suddenly hurts badly so we had to rush to another coffee place to order some drinks so that I can use their toilet. It’s unpleasant to have stomach problems during a trip. Totally spoils the mood. My stomach is reacting due to the spicy Tteokbokki from dinner yesterday and probably also due to the coffee intake in the morning. After Mangwon we headed over to Hongdae to do some shopping. Spent about 45mins standing outside a building while waiting for Running Man casts to come out. Ate early dinner of some random Korean BBQ store as I have to faster head back for my bus 6011 at 7.30pm back to Incheon airport. The girls were very nice to send me to the bus stop and I hopped on to the bus safely. Spent the night at Incheon airport capsule hotel and took the early flight back to Fukuoka.

7 May (Tuesday): FUK Day 1

I arrived back in Fukuoka in the morning and went back to clear house chores and work stuff. The 3 of them arrived safely to my house in the afternoon and I brought them to eat the nice Udon plus walked around Ohori Park and Maizuru Park. It seems they are not really made for walking in the nature and made more for walking in shopping malls. At night, I bought them to Canal city for Okomomiyaki dinner (Germs favorite) and shopped around the area. Also brought them around my house supermarket area for them to do some grocery shopping. I noticed that this gang is rather healthy in the sense that not many of them are interested in snacks/food. I think this is the shopping gang (excluding Clarice I think).

8 May (Wednesday): FUK Day 2

Went around Hakata area to shop - AMU, OIOI, bus stop terminal. Ate brunch at bus stop terminal Okonomiyaki store. Shopped various places but we spent most of our time at the mega Daiso which resulted in us heading over to Tenjin only in the late afternoon. YQ bought YSL wallet and Germs bought Dior wallet. Ate Ichiran for dinner and we headed back to my house to rest for the day. Bought some alcohol and stuff to eat to end the night.

Conclusion

Overall, the whole trip was short and sweet. I was rather surprised that there was not a slightest conflict even with this being the first overseas trip for the 4 of us. Everyone was very flexible and adjusted to whichever fits our mood the best. After the trip I somehow got a different aura, I am starting to focus better and feels motivated to finish what I wanted to achieve for this year. I have no idea why there was this shift of change in me, but I will take this energy to work hard towards my goals for this year.

Happiness can be very simple if you deem it to be. :)

Today I had dinner with badminton people. Vietnam guy Khanh is going back to his country so a small group of people had dinner with him before his flight tomorrow.

I wanted to post about this as a memory of the emotions I am feeling now. There was a pair of siblings there which were very young, one 16 and another 13. And as much as how partially adult they look like, their body language and speech represented that of a young being. Both are in their prime and looking very fresh and cute. I am not jealous of them but rather, they reminded me of my limited time on Earth and the fact that I am a lot older now. Which means there are lesser things that I can do in my lifetime comparing to them. 

Youth is such a fleeting thing. We never appreciate the time we are in now. Even if we do appreciate every minute of our youth, it still passes and it still hurts when you look back. Because it's time that is lost and can never be recovered. No matter how positive we go into life, there is always a frame that we want to go back in time to. I don't think its being youthful that I wanted, it's time. If there is a way to live forever, wouldn't that be nice? I saw a video just now that says that any intelligent person will choose death. Well, if that is the case, I rather be stupid.

What is this feeling I am feeling now? It's a mixture of pain and happiness. I'm very glad of who I am now but yet I don't feel satisfied. I am not totally at ease. Is it because I am lacking in something? What am I lacking?

I remember when I was younger and I thought that it would be nice to be a teacher, because I do like to teach. But as I imagined how it would be like year after year of facing the same young kids, how tough it would be as the years go down because of the big gap in age differences. Not how tough it would be to educate them, more of how tough it would be on me to actually 'see' how much time has passed and how little time I had left. Imagine this, year after year of facing 13, 16 year olds. Every year the new batch of students will be 16 and you will just be older and older. I can't stand even imagining it. 

I gave myself so many goals this year but I feel so lost.

Paused blogging for some time because I started journaling this year. It will not be the thing to replace blogging but it is one of the things that may help in achieving my goals in 2024.

I am starting to join many clubs. Tennis, badminton and table tennis. Feeling very motivated this year to stretch myself thin.

Work is going on well too. I am starting to see a clearer picture of the workflow and starting to do more useful work. 

Attended Taylor Swift concert on 7th Feb. It is her first day of her tour in Tokyo. Xiumin and I arrived at Tokyo Dome 5pm and it was so packed with people. Another group told us that we need to hurry as the security checks will take time so we zoomed straight in and it was such a frantic rush in (almost comical even) but we managed to be seated at 5:30pm. You can imagine how faster we soniced ourselves in.

Seats were good. Pretty close to the stage and the concert was long (3 hours or so). I can tell she puts in a lot of effort in the concert. Totally worth the JPY 24,000 that I paid for the tickets.

On a side note, the dinner was very nice. We chanced upon a Taiwanese noodle store and it was very good ahhaa.

Family is incoming 15 Feb! I can't wait for them to arrive. Feeling very happy in this month! Looking very forward!!!

It has been a while since I blogged. Many things happened and it could be said to be the most hectic phase in my life.

I do not think I have the energy to put everything down in detail so I will just put them out in summary:

1. April to June 2023 - Went for massive amounts of interviews and also went to a job fair in Akihabara near end May. That visit actually gave me the opportunity to my current new job at Fukuoka. Things just happen somehow when it is meant to be? I was already on the verge of giving up my job hunt because it was just too mentally draining and the job fair just felt like a good ending to my hunt. Visited 2 booths and thought it was too little and wanted to talk to 1 last booth (that has no queue) just to make it more worthwhile. Ended up talking to people from Shift Energy Japan and yeah, it is a good stroke of luck.

2. July to August 2023 - Signed the contract with PG at end July so everything was on the way. Started handing over stuff in office and managing some manpower changes in anticipation that colleagues (plus me) will be leaving soon. Also started to do some preparation of the house move.

3. September 2023 - Went Fukuoka with dear sister for house hunting. It was a mentally draining week but we managed to apply for a housing which was 5 mins to Hakata Station and 8 mins to my new workplace. Came back to Tokyo and started my packing of the house. First I have to ship out Carousell business goods back to buyers and then subsequently my own stuff packing. Also took the time to mention to my badminton clubs that I will not be able to join the sessions anymore. It was pretty sweet the way they reacted and it touched a little of my cold heart. 

4. October 2023 - Massively packing the house. Decided to use JPost YuPack service to ship all my goods over as I have already sold all the big appliances/furnitures. Came up to 20 boxes in total, combination of 140 and 120 sized boxes. It was a little more than I expected. There were also many farewell parties/meetings so I was pretty much left happy but exhausted to the core. Also did all the necessary stuff like updating the ward office, terminating the water and electricity supply. Handed over my keys to landlord on 20th October and decided to spend a night in office for my flight on 21st. Arrived in Fukuoka in a mad rush (plane was late) to get keys as the rental agency was closing soon. Got the keys and "check-in" to my house waiting for the 1st batch of my boxes to arrive. Subsequent days are spent receiving boxes and unpacking.

5. November 2023 - Finally my new place is "complete"! All the appliances are in and everything is in place. Started my new job and it's been a good 2 days so far. Will be looking forward to doing more work. I am also starting to embark on my own personal health/mind journey. Will be looking to see a brand new me in 2024! :)

I had the most hectic month ever. I was so active in job hunting that it kinda burnt me out. I told myself that this is just a process for self-discovery and to see the situation of the current market place. So I started with a light heart but the process still burnt me.

Almost every free time I had to schedule it out for interviews with agents and actual interviews with the companies. It was so bad that I actually fell sick due to the stress and pressure from all the interviews - especially those interviews that I had to do in Japanese.

Anyway, I have kinda stopped the hunting process and will now focus more on improving my Japanese level. Through this whole process, I realized how bad my Japanese was and that I should definitely put more effort in it if I intend to stay in Japan for a long time. 

It was kinda nice to be able to chat with so many people from the different companies and it was a good learning process for me. Of course I hope to find a better job but I don't want to rush into it. I do love my job now but it's just that I can't see myself growing if I stay.

Well, I just have to work it out somehow! There are many ways to go about doing things and once again, everything happens for a reason. So if those companies are not accepting me then it just means that it's not my path to begin with.

What's meant for you always arrive on time. So I don't have to lose hope and I will carry on the path to reaching the perfect me. 

"Life is a journey with problems to solve and lessons to learn, but most of all, experiences to enjoy."