Today I had dinner with badminton people. Vietnam guy Khanh is going back to his country so a small group of people had dinner with him before his flight tomorrow.
I wanted to post about this as a memory of the emotions I am feeling now. There was a pair of siblings there which were very young, one 16 and another 13. And as much as how partially adult they look like, their body language and speech represented that of a young being. Both are in their prime and looking very fresh and cute. I am not jealous of them but rather, they reminded me of my limited time on Earth and the fact that I am a lot older now. Which means there are lesser things that I can do in my lifetime comparing to them.
Youth is such a fleeting thing. We never appreciate the time we are in now. Even if we do appreciate every minute of our youth, it still passes and it still hurts when you look back. Because it's time that is lost and can never be recovered. No matter how positive we go into life, there is always a frame that we want to go back in time to. I don't think its being youthful that I wanted, it's time. If there is a way to live forever, wouldn't that be nice? I saw a video just now that says that any intelligent person will choose death. Well, if that is the case, I rather be stupid.
What is this feeling I am feeling now? It's a mixture of pain and happiness. I'm very glad of who I am now but yet I don't feel satisfied. I am not totally at ease. Is it because I am lacking in something? What am I lacking?
I remember when I was younger and I thought that it would be nice to be a teacher, because I do like to teach. But as I imagined how it would be like year after year of facing the same young kids, how tough it would be as the years go down because of the big gap in age differences. Not how tough it would be to educate them, more of how tough it would be on me to actually 'see' how much time has passed and how little time I had left. Imagine this, year after year of facing 13, 16 year olds. Every year the new batch of students will be 16 and you will just be older and older. I can't stand even imagining it.
I gave myself so many goals this year but I feel so lost.
Paused blogging for some time because I started journaling this year. It will not be the thing to replace blogging but it is one of the things that may help in achieving my goals in 2024.
I am starting to join many clubs. Tennis, badminton and table tennis. Feeling very motivated this year to stretch myself thin.
Work is going on well too. I am starting to see a clearer picture of the workflow and starting to do more useful work.
Attended Taylor Swift concert on 7th Feb. It is her first day of her tour in Tokyo. Xiumin and I arrived at Tokyo Dome 5pm and it was so packed with people. Another group told us that we need to hurry as the security checks will take time so we zoomed straight in and it was such a frantic rush in (almost comical even) but we managed to be seated at 5:30pm. You can imagine how faster we soniced ourselves in.
Seats were good. Pretty close to the stage and the concert was long (3 hours or so). I can tell she puts in a lot of effort in the concert. Totally worth the JPY 24,000 that I paid for the tickets.
On a side note, the dinner was very nice. We chanced upon a Taiwanese noodle store and it was very good ahhaa.
Family is incoming 15 Feb! I can't wait for them to arrive. Feeling very happy in this month! Looking very forward!!!
It has been a while since I blogged. Many things happened and it could be said to be the most hectic phase in my life.
I do not think I have the energy to put everything down in detail so I will just put them out in summary:
1. April to June 2023 - Went for massive amounts of interviews and also went to a job fair in Akihabara near end May. That visit actually gave me the opportunity to my current new job at Fukuoka. Things just happen somehow when it is meant to be? I was already on the verge of giving up my job hunt because it was just too mentally draining and the job fair just felt like a good ending to my hunt. Visited 2 booths and thought it was too little and wanted to talk to 1 last booth (that has no queue) just to make it more worthwhile. Ended up talking to people from Shift Energy Japan and yeah, it is a good stroke of luck.
2. July to August 2023 - Signed the contract with PG at end July so everything was on the way. Started handing over stuff in office and managing some manpower changed in anticipation that colleagues (plus me) will be leaving soon. Also started to do some preparation of the house move.
3. September 2023 - Went Fukuoka with dear sister for house hunting. It was a mentally draining week but we managed to apply for a housing which was 5 mins to Hakata Station and 8 mins to my new workplace. Came back to Tokyo and started my packing of the house. First I have to ship out Carousell business goods back to buyers and then subsequently my own stuff packing. Also took the time to mention to my badminton clubs that I will not be able to join the sessions anymore. It was pretty sweet the way they reacted and it touched a little of my cold heart.
4. October 2023 - Massively packing the house. Decided to use JPost YuPack service to ship all my goods over as I have already sold all the big appliances/furnitures. Came up to 20 boxes in total, combination of 140 and 120 sized boxes. It was a little more than I expected. There were also many farewell parties/meetings so I was pretty much left happy but exhausted to the core. Also did all the necessary stuff like updating the ward office, terminating the water and electricity supply. Handed over my keys to landlord on 20th October and decided to spend a night in office for my flight on 21st. Arrived in Fukuoka in a mad rush (plane was late) to get keys as the rental agency was closing soon. Got the keys and "check-in" to my house waiting for the 1st batch of my boxes to arrive. Subsequent days are spent receiving boxes and unpacking.
5. November 2023 - Finally my new place is "complete"! All the appliances are in and everything is in place. Started my new job and it's been a good 2 days so far. Will be looking forward to doing more work. I am also starting to embark on my own personal health/mind journey. Will be looking to see a brand new me in 2024! :)
I had the most hectic month ever. I was so active in job hunting that it kinda burnt me out. I told myself that this is just a process for self-discovery and to see the situation of the current market place. So I started with a light heart but the process still burnt me.
Almost every free time I had to schedule it out for interviews with agents and actual interviews with the companies. It was so bad that I actually fell sick due to the stress and pressure from all the interviews - especially those interviews that I had to do in Japanese.
Anyway, I have kinda stopped the hunting process and will now focus more on improving my Japanese level. Through this whole process, I realized how bad my Japanese was and that I should definitely put more effort in it if I intend to stay in Japan for a long time.
It was kinda nice to be able to chat with so many people from the different companies and it was a good learning process for me. Of course I hope to find a better job but I don't want to rush into it. I do love my job now but it's just that I can't see myself growing if I stay.
Well, I just have to work it out somehow! There are many ways to go about doing things and once again, everything happens for a reason. So if those companies are not accepting me then it just means that it's not my path to begin with.
What's meant for you always arrive on time. So I don't have to lose hope and I will carry on the path to reaching the perfect me.
"Life is a journey with problems to solve and lessons to learn, but most of all, experiences to enjoy."
I have been assigning a certain theme as a focus for the year. Last year it was to increase exercise volume and this year it will be to improve brain power.
I have bought some puzzle books and also a Rubik's Cube. I am also looking to try and learn things like Chess etc.
Themes are random and of course it must feel interesting enough for me to pursue it.
When you think about it, life is just living. If you have nothing to work towards, it will feel blend and pointless. I am still working towards a better self, ever since I started on this journey 2-3 years ago.
Body, mind and health. They are like proteins, fats and carbohydrate - macro nutrients that we need. And the little micro nutrients will be things like social interactions, job stability, family etc.
I want to function as the best version of myself. And when I become the best, I may be able to feel more at ease and more confident. Maybe then I will be able to see the world in a much better resolution.
Every problem in life can be tackled like a Rubik's cube - solving one corner at a time, with a fix set of algorithms. Everything in life has a structure. You just have to learn to use the correct algorithms and solve the pieces one by one.
19 Dec 2022 (Monday)
WC 2022
The world cup, or rather the Messi cup ended yesterday. It was such an exciting final, the most exciting one I have ever watched. I was not a supporter of either Argentina or France. It was more of just wanting to know who is the ultimate winner and that I do enjoy watching the WC.
When Argentina was at a 2:0 lead, I started to feel like this would just end like any other WC. It will end in the most boring manner, with France not in form and Argentina getting lucky. But then it went into 2:2 and then extra time and oh boy, was it intense! When Messi scored the goal during extra time putting the score to 3:2, I was thinking this would make a nice ending - with him being the golden boot and winning the WC. So I started to root for Argentina and prayed that France’s attack will be blocked. So actually, only from this point on I somehow started to become a supporter of Argentina.
Well in any case, as we all know now, the matched dragged to 3:3 and ended with penalty kicks in favor of Argentina. Match stared 11pm and ended around 3am SG time including the award ceremony. I was severely lacking in sleep yesterday but this match was totally worth giving up sleep for.
Somehow I felt a weird feeling after Argentina won the cup. I mean, I was happy that Messi finally won the cup and I’m sure most people feel that way too. But it was just too good of a story, like it was scripted and feels too much like a fairytale. It felt like Messi’s story was already “written” out when he was born. It is such excellent material for future movies/dramas. I am pretty sure people down the years will still be talking about this match, going like “Ah yes, I was watching it live on the TV/Stadium!”.
So yeah, this was pretty much the best WC I have ever watched and I hope future WCs will be this exciting as well. To conclude, with Argentina/Messi winning this year’s cup, it just means that you can have a fairytale ending when the world is on your side.
22 Dec 2022 (Wednesday)
Customs of torture
I experienced the most hellish custom clearance to and from JB yesterday. It was so bad that it somehow kinda made us think that we should never even try going JB again. Of course this will never happen as JB is still very attractive to Singaporeans.
So let me pen down all the shit that happened yesterday (in point form as I don’t have the energy to write an essay on it).
After this experience I can say confidently that our neighbour will never be able to surpass us financially. They are so inefficient and with such a heck-care attitude, it will be amazing if they can somehow do better than us overall. Anyway my take from this experience - I have the perfect strategy in approaching Msia customs now. I have the little strategies in my hands that can save previous queue hours. I look forward to my next JB visit :)
1 Jan 2023 (Sunday)
Happy New Year!
I feel year 2023 will be a year of change for me. My focus will on this and nothing else. Change in all areas of myself, ascetically and emotionally. 360. It will be a revolution.
I want to love myself even more. There are times in year 2022 that I look at myself and I don’t like it. Mind you, I do not dislike myself, I just don’t feel 100%.
I will fall deeply in love in 2023.
22 Jan 2023 (Sunday)
Happy CNY!
To be honest, I’ve never liked CNY. I hated waking early, getting into new bright colored clothes and rushing to meet with people/relatives that I don’t even know existed. But this time, I was looking forward to meeting and re-connecting with the family. I am now all dressed up and ready to go out and my parents are outside in the living now chatting and unprepared. It is already 12pm and why are we not yet headed out? :(
10 Feb 2023 (Friday)
I have a sudden strong determination to be 40kg in year 2023. I just want to feel how it would be like to be that light. Very motivated now, I shall focus on nothing but this from now.
20 Feb 2023 (Monday)
Yesterday I went rampage on my dad. He was irritating the hell out of me. It was a sudden and uncontrolled spark. Once again he has lighted the flames and ignited the bomb. I am feeling weird after all the rage and I’m starting to look at my dad differently again. I have a weird feeling inside me now, more of being sad than angry. Sad that I lost control of myself and also sad that it was my dad that made me angry.
I don't like this feeling and I hope it never repeats again.
I am starting to dislike myself.
I said things that I should not have and I greatly regret it.
We are all playing a game of chatter. All pretending to be heros.
We are all pretending to be clever but how dumb can we be.
It is easy to hide behind the mask and it is easy to act tired.
It is easy to shed tears even if you don't mean it.