Came home from work. Read Nancy Drew on my bed with the fan on. The next thing I new it was already 5am in the morning. I vaguely remember my sister waking me up to watch Dr. Jin, of course I know her real purpose was to make me watch Flower Boy Next Door. Remembered that I tried to wake in a trance state...oh now I remember that sensation. That weird feeling of having a split mentality. I see myself waking and walking out but somehow I know that I'm still lying on the bed. I tried to concur the partial body paralysis with annoying flashes of light spinning around me. The last thing I knew was that I succeeded in overcoming my brain and woke up...but I went back to sleep. In the end, I still lost. Just took a long bath and felt refreshed. Let Kimchi ran for 25min and now he is flopped. Dead tired and not even eating his favourite croutons. Paid my bills and wanted to do some photo sorting. But I'm feel tired already... Because mentally this is a time that I should sleep? Therefore even if I slept since 8pm it's not enough? Why are my eyes closing on its own?!?
Sunday, April 14, 2013
I'm feeling weird now. Much like the time when my final results were released. Chains of burden fell off and I felt light, but together with it, my determination also waned. After hearing the news, I didn't feel much. It was more of being really curious than jealous. But then after I found out more I went haywire again. Recently I was feeling that you are unattainable, unreachable. Evolving right in front of my eyes, being ever more perfect. Becoming so strong. But then suddenly this? I seem to have found your flaw after all. You fell from the sky and wasn't an angel anymore. That's how I feel right now. You were my aim. I was hoping to reach the same stage as you, to be near you. I was hoping to be able to say it one day, "Ahh, I've finally reached you." But now...should that be the case? You seem to have thrown me off balance.
It's like a cop chasing a murderer for years and then the murderer suddenly died. Even though the cop should be feeling glad, he is not. He feels cheated of his prey. I'm quite afraid that the cop has lost his will in the chase, lost his faith in justice.
I hope that this is not bending my determination in anyway. I must reach you, even if you're not an angel. That should be how I should be feeling.
I want to be on top of the mountain. I need the hate, I need the spark. I will listen to your new songs and let the music decide.
