I went for TPJC's 25th anniversary with Pricillia, Baosheng and keith. Never would I imagine myself to be there but I think it was rather worth it. I've never been close to any teachers (and never will be I guess) and especially to TPJC teachers as I am not very fond of the school.
Anyway, recently I have been feeling a weird emptiness. I can't exactly pinpoint why and thoughts of death keep recurring every night. Nope, not suicidal thoughts. Just thinking about death itself, which scares me all the time as usual so I always try to block them. When I was about 12 I was totally freaked out by the idea of death. I didn't confide in anyone because there is just no answer to my questions. Or rather, there is no answer that can satisfy me. No living person will ever be able to soothe my uneasiness, only the dead can. I was so terrified but I told myself to keep those thoughts away and think about them when I'm 20. So I guess those questions from 10 years ago are coming back to haunt me. And of course, there will be no answer. There will never be an answer. To think that my flesh will rot one day. I guess death is much like our sleep. We may have dreams here and there but never existing anywhere in the dreams. We just cease to exist and our souls keeps wavering, just like having an endless dream.
But then I am not fully convinced that there void in me now is due to those thoughts. I feel the void throughout the day and normally during the day, there is enough activities to keep my thoughts away from death. So maybe the void is from somewhere else?
I have been reading intensely these few days. Thinking back, I think the void started when I was reading Stephen King's 4 past midnight. I don't normally read Stephen King's stories but usually I get only chills and no void. I am reading Dean Koontz's Frankenstein series now and there is still the void. So it makes no sense because reading a Koontz will never affect me this way and I doubt it's the books that are affecting me.
Maybe it's because my sister is now in Japan and I am worried about her everyday? Very possible. I am worried not because she is in Japan. To me, a plane flight is scarier than an earthquake.
But then again, the void I am feeling...seems to be kinda related to hope. Like I just lost hope and there is no positivity in me. But losing hope in what? My future? Somehow the void also feels like it's a thing, a thing that is controlling me. Like my life now is being fate driven and maybe I am feeling so uneasy because I have no control of my future. In any case, I think this void I am feeling now will drive me to a better place or worse...and without my control. I guess I may be able to tweak certain areas but only the big picture counts and I hope it's a nice picture.
"The heart that fears will have regrets"
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Gosh I feel so free. It feels so good to have 24hours of play time. I won't waste any minute of it!
And I will take a different approach to how I enjoyed my holiday last year. This year, I will enjoy being busy.
Last year, I did absolutely nothing at all. I wanted to experience the feeling of having so much time and having no aim. It feels good initially, having no worries and no plans. But then subsequently, you feel that life is pointless and you'll start to feel bored and useless. Then you start to get lazy and it got me so unfocused on my studies when school finally started.
Now, it's time for change! I will keep myself packed with activities that are fun, enjoyable and enriching! :D
