Today I had dinner with badminton people. Vietnam guy Khanh is going back to his country so a small group of people had dinner with him before his flight tomorrow.

I wanted to post about this as a memory of the emotions I am feeling now. There was a pair of siblings there which were very young, one 16 and another 13. And as much as how partially adult they look like, their body language and speech represented that of a young being. Both are in their prime and looking very fresh and cute. I am not jealous of them but rather, they reminded me of my limited time on Earth and the fact that I am a lot older now. Which means there are lesser things that I can do in my lifetime comparing to them. 

Youth is such a fleeting thing. We never appreciate the time we are in now. Even if we do appreciate every minute of our youth, it still passes and it still hurts when you look back. Because it's time that is lost and can never be recovered. No matter how positive we go into life, there is always a frame that we want to go back in time to. I don't think its being youthful that I wanted, it's time. If there is a way to live forever, wouldn't that be nice? I saw a video just now that says that any intelligent person will choose death. Well, if that is the case, I rather be stupid.

What is this feeling I am feeling now? It's a mixture of pain and happiness. I'm very glad of who I am now but yet I don't feel satisfied. I am not totally at ease. Is it because I am lacking in something? What am I lacking?

I remember when I was younger and I thought that it would be nice to be a teacher, because I do like to teach. But as I imagined how it would be like year after year of facing the same young kids, how tough it would be as the years go down because of the big gap in age differences. Not how tough it would be to educate them, more of how tough it would be on me to actually 'see' how much time has passed and how little time I had left. Imagine this, year after year of facing 13, 16 year olds. Every year the new batch of students will be 16 and you will just be older and older. I can't stand even imagining it. 

I gave myself so many goals this year but I feel so lost.