Thursday, December 31, 2009
The whole of December in summary.1 DecWent for POA lecture, JLPT4 preparation.2 DecBanking lecture, JLPT4 preparation.3 DecViolin lesson 4, JLPT4 preparation.4 DecMaths lecture, JLPT4 preparation.5 DecJLPT4 preparation.6 DecJLPT4 Exam, Huiting's 21st birthday celebration (huiling, xueli, tseyun)7 DecEcons lecture.8 DecPOA lecture, table tennis training.9 DecBanking lecture, NYJC friendly match. Something memorable happened, one girl suddenly asked if I was the NAS girl that played against Gan Eng Seng in the final match. Apparently, NYJC has recruited lots of Cedar and Gan Eng Seng players. No wonder they remembered about that triangle death match. But that question made me nostalgic and made me realised just how much I appreciate the exposure, experiences and friends table tennis has given me.10 DecViolin lesson 5, violin outing at Mac.11 DecSlacked12 DecPainting the walls of my house in Green, shopped at Audio house + Giant + Bedok for my MP4 but I did not get one in the end.13 DecStudied a little econs.14 DecEcons lecture, studied a little POA.15 DecPOA lecture, did my banking assignment, trained in school.16 DecBanking lecure.17 DecViolin lesson 618 DecMaths lecutre.19 DecAte ramen at illuma with sister and christine, went suntec IT fair and bought a black Samsung S3600 flip phone for $168. Got voucher for free cake and ice cream from Awfully Chocolate. :)Waited for the freaking 518 for 1 hour plus, saw Ming Fong and chatted. Decided to take train instead and sister gave me a super black face.20 DecMother's birthday! Collected the free cake treated that as birthday cake HAHA :)21 DecEcons lecture, did POA assignment 2.22 DecPOA lecture, went cousin house. OMG, nicole is so cute! ahhahah she can walk now but she is still her usual bossy self. My sister and I filmed videos of her playing around.23 DecBanking lecture, parents went Thailand.24 DecStudied a little econs.25 DecCHRISTMAS! Ice skate and dinner with carmen, xueli, tseyun, huiling. Damm and SIM student card is not eligible for student fare! How unfair! Oh and the cashier used DEBIT when I said nets. I know there is no difference, but I just dislike the idea of using a signature to pay. After ice skating, they came my house and ate pizza. Played DS mario kart and PS2 games. They left my house at 11pm and I went huiling's house to see sky and the 5 cats. hehe so cute!Ran home after that, I only took about 10 plus mins to reach home. Didn't know we live that close man.26 DecSlacked.27 DecStudied a little econs.28 DecParents return from Thailand. Did major housework on econs.29 DecPracticed violin, did a little econs.30 DecStudied POA, practiced violin.31 DecLast day of dec! Going to the beach with family. Mom said the boats will shoot off fireworks. AHHA like real but I don't care cause I am going to play sparkles! Hope my sis comes home early today. (I hope we do go to the beach....I don't want to stay at home!)HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sometimes I have this weird thought. My brother should not have existed.Having a younger brother at home makes me irritated. He showed me the pathetic existence of men and makes me lose faith in them.I always wondered why I refused to get into a relationship and the reason may be my brother. With his actions and thoughts, I have came to this conclusion that men cannot be relied on. I know I am just making a general comment. I know for a fact that not all guys are like that although I do know one fact- guys have their bodily needs. Which is more than enough to disgust me. Maybe I am just being biased but I am trying hard to accept them the way they are. I try to overlook all the flaws just like how women have their own irritating attitudes. Some women can really be a pain in the ass.I figured the only way to salvage my own crazy psychological thoughts is to compensate and balance the pros and cons of men and women. I will try my hardest to be unbiased in my judgment.I hope one day someone will come along and convince me, but I know I have to first allow myself to be convinced.And I have to reinstate my stand- although my brother is a pathetic weak-willed type of guy, he is not evil or anything terrible. He just happens to be really lacking in EQ and have a prehistoric vocabulary which makes his every comment shallow and lacking in depth. Sometimes he acts like a pathological lier but that is still currently unproven, yet.SL being emotional, psychological..yes, she is reading a Murakami book again.And yes, writing down what you think helps you better understand yourself and your problems. Thank you Mr. Murakami.Off to another topic:Recently, I have realised that competing with others is a painful process. By competing with others, you tend to attract competition too. The best solution is to not care about what others are doing or how well/poor they fared. Set your own targets and achieve them, by reaching your own targets you are walking on steps you have created yourself. Everyone out there is competing by stepping over others- the dog eat dog world. They are trying so ridiculously hard to climb higher by stepping on other's failures. This is the sick but inevitable truth, like how you would be subconsciously happy when you know that you have scored higher than others, cause you know that you are higher up and you have succeeded in 'steeping' over them. Or how people around you would say you have cheated or giving you snide comments when you scored higher, they are actually trying to pull you down in an attempt to step over your head.Anyway, if you are perceived to be dumb, success will not convince others. Those who have regarded you as inferior will not be impressed by what you have achieved. They will not fully acknowledge your hard work and will instead convince themselves that it was due to something hard to be explained, something like luck.It is human nature to disregard others' success, because we are implanted with jealousy. But not trying to hide your jealousy is just totally intolerable. By disregarding others' success straight in their face is just brainless nutter which you have subconsciously acted out. A case of harboring too much of such thoughts makes every action and words said come naturally, without even yourself noticing it.
There is actually a sick loophole, or a human nature called pity. When you are definitely worse off, like being handicapped or growing up in a bad environment and you happen to be really successful, EVERYONE will be impressed no matter how mentally wired they are. So the bottom line is, if you want to be successful, be soooo successful that it glares their eyes. Or be so pathetic that people will pity you and hope for your success.My hands are cold from typing too fast, a signal to stop blogging.Oh and if you are reading this brother, please do not feel depressed after reading. Any comments can be inquired from me directly. (I doubt he will even read my blog but just in case.)
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Melancholy.
I feel strangely depressed. My left eye is hurting, I am hungry.
I need music to distract myself away from my own thoughts.
Why am I so hesitant?
Why does it feel so hard to continue?
What was that strange feeling I felt just now? My body was heating up and my chest feels tight. I don't understand my own emotions.
Why did I feel like crying?
For what did I cry for??
Perplexing shit. I feel like smashing something.
I gave my best to everyone around me but nobody gave their best to me.
How come nobody can assure me like how I assure them. I find loyalty but not trust.
Maybe I am just afraid that nobody cares about me. So I act like a dog, trying to make everyone happy by wagging my tail.
But in the end, everyone I care about cares for someone else.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Oh man, last 2weeks was so hectic.My whole mind was only focused on JLPT4 and because of that, I forgot lots of other things. My sister took a whole week off from work so that she too can focus on her JLPT1. It's great having my sister at home the whole time! But we ended up being distracted by tv shows together..which led to us sleeping late into the night. Lack of sleep destroys me, I should REALLY sleep early.30Nov - MondayWent for economics lecture and studied for JLPT. Forgot to wish xueli happy birthday!1Dec - TuesdayIntended to take the shutter bus with jingpei in the morning but I was too tired. So I slept in for a few hours and took the train instead.Went for accounting lecture. Forgot about Kwan's birthday until zhiyi asked me about it. I didn't even realise it was already December. Came straight home and studied for JLPT4.Didn't attend training.2Dec - WednesdayWent for banking lecture and studied for JLPT4.3Dec - ThursdayWoke up damm late (2pm) and quickly practiced playing violin. Went for violin lesson and got my left arm really tired. Learned 2 songs! I have this strange habit of using my middle finger to press the D note on the Astring. I realised that my middle finger is very flexible ahha! Ate at Clementi with my parents and came straight home to study for JLPT4.4Dec - FridayWent for maths lecture and studied for JLPT4.5Dec - SaturdayThe stress kicks in for both me and my sister. Slept at 11pm and woke up at 6am. Studied for about 2 hours and went back to sleep. Continued my studies in the afternoon all till the night. Slept at 3am. :( 6Dec - SundayJLPT4 exam! Location : SMU School of Economics. My exam started at 10am and I was posted to Seminar room 2-7. Gosh, I freaked out during the first paper. Just can't seem to read the sentences and there are 2 nine year olds who sat beside me for the exam too. They gave me extra stress. I shall not comment too much about my exam..don't want to think too much.After my exam I waited in the school for my father to fetch me. But since my sister was going to take her test in the afternoon at SMU school of business, my dad asked me to walk over and wait there.In the end, I lost my way and arrived at the national library. Tried to find Murakami's books but there were NONE at all. Borrowed one dilbert comic book, went out of the library and watched some 3v3 basketball matches. While waiting, my mind was spinning with many weird topics and ideas. One main thought occurred while watching the players- practice and you will get better. No matter what you are doing, practice and you will be better. Fell asleep in the car and reached home at about 4pm.Used the Internet for a while and met up with tseyun, xueli and huiling. Walked around white sands in search for huiting's present. In the end, we went to tmall and bought this SK angel pendant for her. Father drove us to Aloha Changi chalet M and we stayed there till 10 plus. Enjoyed myself a lot, a great stress reliever from that morning's paper.7 Dec - MondayARGH. I am so freaking tired. I just want to focus on my studies and violin right now. I hope my table tennis team mates will forgive my lack of will to train.
