FUCK!!!! Everything was like deleted. DAMMIT ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want my POST BACK!!! SHIT MAN SHIT MAN.
ok..
I will rewrite. I will persist.
I shall blog about something that happened on the 7th of march. Something that made me less human now.
I all along knew that I wouldn't do well..but to have reality smacked right in your face, it still doesn't feel good. The first thing Miss Devi told me was to go to GO and get the application form for retaking. Surprisingly, I don't feel sad. I felt really numb..I couldn't even cry.
I called my sister and told her about my results..she was obviously sad. I told my sis that I wasn't feeling that sad as I thought I would..and I hanged up on her cause I needed to consult the teachers about the
side-path..
After much talking, I sat at the back of the hall with Anna. We discussed about what we should do..and I called my sis. Her voice was croaked, like she was crying..I asked if she was crying and she just told me that she was sad. This made me cry. I know its stupid, but to make someone u love cry for your failure, its a very saddening thing to me. Suddenly, I had such a strong determination to do it all over again and make everyone happy. I decided to sign up for retaking.
We met up with kwan+swan after all the things and together, the 4 of us went somewhere in bedok for lunch. Halfway during the lunch, I got very sad suddenly. I was thinking about all the ppl and things I have to face from now on...its just a terrible feeling. The type where you just felt like crying. I nearly cried out..I was trying hard to contain my tears..cause I don't want my friends to be awkward.
I went home by mrt alone and during the train ride, I was trying really hard to prevent myself from breaking down. I wouldn't want the ppl on the train to think that I am some mental case. I called my mother and asked her if she could ride her bike and fetch me home from white sand. Ride me back home on her yellow bike like she always did in the past.
She asked me to come back myself and I hanged up sadly.
I walked home from white sands..it was already semi-dark by then..and while walking..I just couldn't stop my tears from flowing. I just kept crying and crying...crying and walking crying and walking.....it was really painful. I just couldn't control it anymore..
Then I heard someone calling out to me , I turned and it was my mother..and she rode her yellow bike. I was really touched. Her presence meant so much to me...so much to me at that moment when I really needed some support. I stopped crying immediately because I don't want my mother to see me crying. She hopped off her bike and we walked all the way home..without a word.
Sometimes, words doesn't help..just by being there would. I really appreciate my mom for not asking me anything during the walk home.
I came home and I went straight into my room. I cried again. I was crying and suddenly, I was asking myself what I can gain my crying my eyes out. I can't waste any more time if I have to change. If I have to stop for once and let things go back to normal, I can't waste my time crying. I wiped my tears and went and told my mum my decision. She was smiling and saying that its good that I can think that way. She will support me in whatever decision I take.
Oh the other hand, I don't even feel like talking to my father. I cannot take in anymore of his insults and sarcasm. Even before he spoke, I asked him to shut up. I don't need to take in anymore of his voice. He messed up my life enough.
Now, I am back to tpjc. Staring my new life in 07s20. I haven adjusted to it yet..and my determination is now at half-throttle. I am really afraid I will fail again..cause sometimes, hard work doesn't get u good grades..sometimes you just can't seem to score no matter how hard u try. I have already applied for SMU, NTU and SIM. I hope I can make the right decision.
Tml will be a sucky day. COMPETITION!!! Nationals!!! I am so freaking pissed that I have to go through this again. I can't focus on studies now...I want this freaking competition to be over and done with. I can't stand it anymore.
