Yesterday I had a revelation, I figured out a reason why I was brought to Fukuoka. I was meant to die here. Not death in itself, but death of my old self. The self that I was so comfortable with, the self that I took years to mold. The old self that I keep going back again and again out of habit. 

It is hard to kill yourself. I feel pain all over. Slowly tearing away the old deep seated roots and bleeding all over. Bleeding over and over again until the last root is extracted.

I am not sure how far or how many more roots I need to pluck. It is so easy to fall back into the continuous habit. 

I need to die, fast.

I can't sleep again. I think I am getting anxiety again. I feel it is getting very hard to trust others and that being kind is just stabbing yourself. Of course I think that feeling this way is wrong, because there are so many other things that are good. And there were so many people that showed much kindness to me. It is just getting harder and harder. I try to stay positive but there are days where it gets me. It hits hard when I become weak and I am becoming weaker and weaker as the days goes by. And it is not a situation where I can get help because it is down only to my own thoughts and feelings. How I decide to process them. At the end of the day, if I do not understand my own feelings, everything else will just be empty. No matter how many friends you have, how many people you talked to, it will all be the same if I don't get it.

Like a stuck pipe. Just clogging up all the dirt and mess. All the tangled hair. All the dirt.

Omg look at the time again. Why am I always like this. I survived on 2-3 hours of sleep yesterday (technically today). Went for my competition with energy supplemented by coffee and energy drinks. Came home at 5pm, did laundry, bathed and ate. Tried my best to not sleep but my brain shuts down at 630pm and I woke again at 930pm. So it is another 3 hours of sleep and now it is 430am and I am still very much awake. I thought my bad sleeping habits couldn't get worse.

What is becoming of me?

It is 430am now and I am not going to sleep. I have competition early tomorrow and I am so afraid that I won't wake up in time.

It is funny how when you have all the time in the world but yet you don't focus on doing the things that you should be doing. Like for me when it is late at night, I will be like ah ok, let me just watch some shows or play games instead of studying or clearing chores.

So anyway this is what I am trying to force on myself right now. Try to do those chores that does not require much brain cells and just needed me to focus some time on it. 

But there are some chores that cannot be done in the night, like laundry, going to the post office or vacuum the house. Anyway I am just here to pass some time and make sure that I stay awake enough to function.

All the best to me surviving the day tomorrow. 

It is funny how things are turning out these days. It feels very rocky, very non-smooth sailing. I fell asleep at 3 and now I'm awake. This is madness of the mind.

I hope I can calm myself down enough. There is something weighing down on me strongly and I really need to internalized it. If it is something I don't have much control over, then it should not be something I should be weighted down by. I should focus on the things that I can do instead of wasting time mulling over it. 

I also need to faster lose weight. If I do not have money, then I need to have health. If I am not working, then I should be enjoying.

Trust is important. Trust the process.

How much longer until my guardian angel comes back?