Thursday, January 31, 2008
Why must it happen to me? I knew all along that my grandma was getting weaker..but to happen all of a sudden? I cannot take it.Its only mere weeks ago that my friend died..and now I may have to go through this again.During my frd's wake, I was actually pondering about whether I can take it if the person lying there is my kin. I was thinking about my grandma, cause she is the most likely person to be there...I know she is old and stuff, but why must it be now? When its only a week till CNY? I am not very close to my grandma, cause she speaks dialect..so whenever she calls my house I will feel guilty afterwards...cause I dono how to communicate with her. I feel really bad...I don't even try communicating with her. I always avoided her in a way..and now, I really hope she can stay on. I don't want to attend another wake again. Let only one misfortune happen this year. I don't want to see the coffin and stuff again.. now I really fear death.I fear it like never before...I lived for 18 years already..soon more people will leave me behind and then one day I will leave them. There is an emptiness within me now..I really feel very weird, like there is no genuine laughter anymore. I feel tired most of the time and become weak mentally. Physically, I feel sick. Like my body is failing me...maybe its because I have not been exercising..I don't have the mood. There is really a part of me that went missing, I feel strangely incomplete. I really want it back but I don't know what it is and I don't know know. Life is so fragile.
