Gosh, I feel very sad now. I just lost $3.30 from Mahjong. Oh yea, I know its just a small sum. I don't know why I feel so weird too and I felt really pissed at everything just now. And its really everything under the roof...not just the losing part, its really EVERYTHING. All the things that wasn't going right throughout the day..all the pressure that I gave myself. Stupid me. AND I think I was PMSing. I just felt sucky inside and outside..everything was just sucky.
I was angry at certain people at certain times...but I was angry at myself most of the time. Hrum, actually it was more of sad then angry. I felt like crying when I was lacking one tile and with Anna's HA HA HA, it was even worse. I really didn't felt like continuing..
I think I was being a spoil spot and I felt really bad now, for pulling such a long face. I don't think they will want to play with me anymore..:( But I want to play again..I never gambled before and I need to confine this loser emotion within me..so that I can really let myself go and enjoy whatever I am playing. Hell, this is my first and my worst gambling experience.
How do I say sorry to them? And the next time I play (I hope they don't mind), I will not sit opposite kwan.. it feels damm weird sitting opp her for reasons I myself do not know.
:( how? Saying sorry never felt this hard. I feel like a kid now..oh boy, I really feel weird now. I feel like crying!!
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Ok, I am fine now. Hrum..I will eat my own shame for a while. AND I figured out my source of frustration that started it all...the same old thing that gets me frustrated every time.
I failed my own star. :( Why is it going away? I don't want it bugging me anymore..I really hate this..this is getting me now where but inferiority complex. I am going to turn into someloser introvert if this goes on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Omg, I am crying now. Going to JC was the worst decision I've made in my entire life. I lost all my confidence, my dreams and my happiness. Nothing is going right for me right now. I feel very very inferior. I joined a school SHIT in sports. Now, I am even scared of my own game and nobody will even bother to lend me strength. Everyone is busy. GOsh, I am back to the kid that was ignored. The kid that was at her prime but lost it all.
Fu*K the WORLD! I want to change!! I want to come out of my UGLY shit shell. FLower!! My source of envy, lend me strength, lend me the strength to shine like you.
