I didn't go to school today. I just couldn't take the pressure anymore. Tml's competition is wrecking me up..I really just felt like leaving the whole team. Just forget about them and the whole competition. Last wk's competition was a disaster. I still won, but I wasn't at all happy about my victory. My skills were clearly gone..I just couldn't smack..it was very scary. I never felt that shitty in a competition before. Its like being out of a relationship...like something precious left me. It was really a terrible feeling.
I didn't want to wake up. My father was shouting shitty stuff about me, stuff like you are already a loser and you don't want to buck up...you have no self-love, you said u want to work hard and u don't want to go to sch? Ha ha ha, u are a failure!
I hate my father more and more. And this morning, I just shouted back at him. Shouted like how my brother shouted when he was really pushed to a corner. When I was shouting, it just didn't felt like it was actually me shouting..I was thinking about other things when I was shouting...hrum..I don't know how to explain, but it just felt like I was possessed. I couldn't even remember what I shouted. My mother was the one who shut my father up..I guessed she knew that I was diff from the normal me, cause my nagging father suddenly kept quiet and left home.
Sometimes, I don't understand the mindsets of parents. I am just skipping school for a day and they are treating it like some fucked up big thing. Hey, I am really tired both emotionally and physically. Most importantly, the lessons I missed are nothing much. Basically, I only have 3 periods of gp lesson today.
I don't want to go to sch and feel all the pressure. They just don't understand..and if they just came over to my bed and tell me to rest well for today...I wouldn't be so depressed right now. With my sister gone to japan for half a mth, I am feeling more depressed. Its really depression..I cannot feel happiness anymore. It has been such a long time since I truly smiled. I just feel so pathetic..everything is overlapping me. I have no more strength to fight on and pave a route for myself.
Horoscopes and tarots are so accurate at times.
"Today you may be feeling a bit like a hermit crab emotionally, sze ling. The Moon and the High Priestess are making you liable to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself rather than share them with the one you love. This is going to make it difficult to have a happy and fulfilling day! Don’t be so suspicious and things will go more smoothly. When faced with difficulties at work, you will have a tendency to be lethargic. You may be almost paralyzed when it comes to making up your mind about anything to do with your professional life. You’re passing through a temporary depression, aggravated by the Moon and the Lovers, who conspire to cloud your judgement and reduce your ability to react to events. You lack assurance and are dubious about your ability to handle things effectively. And the consequence? You are neither confident nor efficient today! " "You mustn't expect any enormous changes today, dear Libra. However, the process you began three or four years ago will accelerate slightly. You are changing the moorings of your identity, the ideas that make you sure of who you are. Your family, background, and education no longer count as much as your own spiritual foundations. Don't be afraid of this shift - go with it"I am really at my wits end. I have no purpose in life right now.
